| Here I'm pinned between darkness and light, bleached and blinded by these nights |
[entries|friends|calendar] |
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| yuck |
[Monday
August 28th, 2006] |
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mood |
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 frustrated |
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music |
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The Misfits: Last Caress |
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School Sucks.
I Hate It.
End of Story.
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| Spring break |
[Thursday
April 13th, 2006] |
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 okay |
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music |
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Johnny Cash and Alice in Chains: Time of the Preacher |
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Spring break is finally here for me. Before I knew everyone was leaving, Spring break was a highlight for me. Now, not so much. Instead of doing nothing, Im going to use this time to start taking care of myself. Ive neglected myself a lot and its time to start getting healthier.
I havent talked to TJ in a week. He leaves for his trip today, which means I won't talk to him until after the 24th. Dispite all of this I'm actually doing really well. I've kept a positive outlook on things and I've kept myself happy. I refuse to let this get my down.
Tonight Ive got to go to church and get my feet washed. It's Holy Thursday. Last Supper. 12 Apostles got their feet washed. I dont really want to go, but I like being at my old school/church. I feel like thats where I belong.
Easter is on Sunday. I've got to go over to my uncles house. Im dreading it. But once again, I'll make the best of the situation. There's nothing much more you can do.
Today I had confrences. They went ok. I went down in my grades again. Im still over a 4.0, but I'm mad I went down again.
My Confirmation is on the 24th. Im not ready for it.. physically. I'm wearing a dress and I don't really like it. For one I don't like dresses or my body and secondly, Im not too sure about the dress.
Overall Im going to try to make the best of my spring break even though some of my friends are in London, others are in France, some are going to the Bahamas and others are going to Flordia and Georgia. Why do I have to be stuck here?
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| This isn't even worth it |
[Friday
March 31st, 2006] |
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Sufjan Stevens: Chicago |
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I realize that I haven't really gotten in the swing of updating this as often as I should. I always tell myself "update your journal, give yourself something to do" But I just havent done it. I havent had it in me for some reason. There hasn't even been much to say, honestly. Roles have reversed in what I put off and what I do right away lately. Usually I've been putting off doing my homework until the class before and instead, updating my journal or spending multiple hours online. Now, sometimes I just can't stand being online [which isn't such a bad thing] and I end up doing all of my homework so I have none until I get more assigned. Meh, I dont know. Things have been going pretty well, I just haven't had the mood to go along with it. A lot of things have just been on my mind, stressing me out, keeping me from having a completely good day. Sometimes I don't know what to do. Then I remember that times like these always work themselves out. Of course negativity comes into play and then I think to myself "But what if this time it doesnt!?"
This weekends outlook looks completely dreadful. I have nothing planned but hopefully something will come up. I have a feeling I won't get to see TJ either. I need to do SOMETHING. ANYTHING. At this point, Im desperate. I need to get out. I can only hope that this weekend will go as well as last being unplanned. I ended up hanging out with everyone, which hasn't happened in a really long time. I got to see TJ and of course any night I spend with him or talk to him is amazing. Sunday I spent with Ellen which of course is always a good time too.
Ugh. Where's spring break when you need it?
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[Friday
March 24th, 2006] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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Dawson's Creek. |
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My life is a complete and utter bore lately. I'm so happy that this week is finally over. It's been one of the most stressful weeks ever for me. I've been procrastinating way too much lately and getting things done last minute. That's not like me. I'm just pretty much sick of school for right now. Spring Break will be the thing I need, even though I won't want to go back. Thankfully, it's almost over. This year went faster than I could of even imagined. But I'm so ready for it to be over. Last night was the induction cermony for the new National Honors Society members. It wasn't as long as I expected, which was good. My feet hurt pretty bad in those high heels though. They're something Im not used to wearing. I'm surprised I didn't trip on something, drop my candle and burn the place down. It's a good thing I didn't. It went smoothly. Today I have off.. thankfully. Later on I'm going to see "Stay Alive" with TJ. I don't know why I put myself through seeing scary movies. I'm going to be scared shitless tonight at that movie. It's all fun in games till I get scared! But then of course.. I end up laughing it all off. All-in-all I really actually like scary movies...when I have some one with me. Haha.
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| I felt the need to update |
[Wednesday
March 15th, 2006] |
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mood |
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 bouncy |
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music |
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Barlow Girl: Psalm 73 |
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I haven't updated this in a while, even though my life hasn't been the most exciting. It's actually been pretty bland lately. Friday after school I went straight to Tj's house. It wasn't as fun as I thought it was going to be. I was actually really uncomfortable. REALLY. This weekend I won't be seeing him, sadly enough:( Saturday and Sunday I spent doing absolutely nothing. Saturday I tried shopping for jeans but got fed up, and stopped. Sunday was pretty much the only day I did SOMETHING. I went over to Ellen's house for a while so we could work on our confirmation stuff. We didn't get far at all. I have so much left to due and it's all due on Sunday. EEK. This week has been going slower than ever. But that's ok. I've got a lot to get done. I just want the weekend to get here so I can just relax for a while; even though that probably wont happen. Today was an Early Dismissal day. Kinda. We had to do these service projects in school for the less fortunate. Some girls cut their LONG hair for locks of love. a lot of them cried. Pfft I probably would too if my hair was that long. I made puzzles with some of my friends. Today was and is probably going to be, the highlight of my week. We finished everything by 930 so the rest of the time we roamed around school... we got out earlier than we were even supposed to. They let us out at 1215 instead of 1225 which was nice. I ended up going to Panera with some of my friends until my mom came to pick me up. The rest of the week is probably going to be incredibly boring. I've got so much to start and so much to finish. I should be doing it now. But who wants to?? The only thing i really wanna do right now, is talk to Tj. Last night I missed my chance. I accidentally fell asleep.. at 9! ugh Im such a loser. and I forgot to turn off my phone. I was holding it and I fell asleep holding it...I woke up to find it vibrating in my hand at midnight, to tell me I had a missed call. It was TJ. Oh how I miss that boy. 6 and a half months today ♥♥♥
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| My dream is you <3 |
[Sunday
March 5th, 2006] |
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Eisley: Golly Sandra |
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He is purely amazing. Simply as that. I had the greatest time ever this weekend. Friday Tj and I spent the day together. He took me out to eat and we went to the park for a little while. He was being so sweet. I loved it. He wrote our names in the snow and put a huge heart around it. He also gave me his coat to wear since I was cold. I love him. So much. After the park we went back to my house and I gave him my present. Thankfully he ADORED it. I never expected such a reaction out of him. I was so worried that he was going to think the gift was cheesy, but I guess he loved it. He listened to the cd I made him 5 times just yesterday. Lately we've been closer than ever and talking more than ever on the phone and I love every single minute of it. I could go on for hours about how much I love him and STILL not get out exactly how much I truly do love him. So besides my amazing Friday night, Yesterday I went out with Ellen, Justin, Danny, Nickos, Isaac and Josh. We all just pretty much hung out. It was a lot of fun. Plus, it was Danny's birthday, so that was one of the reasons we all got together. I ended up getting back home around 10 and spent the rest of the night on the phone with my love <3 Today isn't going the greatest however. I think im getting sick and i have confirmation class. Meh. At least the rest of my weekend made up for today
♥ TJL ♥
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| What do I do? |
[Monday
February 27th, 2006] |
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mood |
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 indescribable |
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This day and Age: Seven-eighty |
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Today wasn't a bad day at all, but I can't help but feel so confused and frustrated. I dont know what to do with certain things anymore. Lately all I feel like doing in crying. I've held it back for the longest time now. I dont feel like getting asked "whats wrong" by my mom. She'll pry it out of me but I don't want her to know this time. They're my issues... at times I think stupid issues for me to be so frantic over... but thats just me. This entry is pointless. A lot of the things I do in my day are pointless. I want to cry.. but maybe that would be pointless too.
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| Cause you had a bad day |
[Saturday
February 25th, 2006] |
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mood |
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blah |
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music |
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Sufjan Stevens: John Wayne Gacy Jr. |
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My day and pretty much weekend didn't go as planned; but what can you do? This weekend definately had it's ups and downs. I also found myself doing things I wouldnt do. Nothing bad of course. I mean come on, it's me. Thursday and Friday were off days for me. I pretty much spent both of those days working on Tj's 6 month anniversary gift; which I won't be able to give him until NEXT weekend, unfortunately. I never thought I would be able to miss some one as much as I miss him. I find it crazy really. I never pictured myself being like this with some one..being like this towards some one. I thought it would never happen to me. I mean come on... it's ME! He's the best thing that could have ever happened to me. Im really sad at the fact I won't be seeing him this weekend; but he's sick and the only thing I hope for is that he just feels better; for his sake. I don't like seeing him down or in pain. And when I do, it kills me. I wouldn't of expected that I was going to cry today; but I did. Why? Because I missed TJ so much. That's exactly what I mean by me saying "I found myself doing things I never thought I would." I never thought I would love some one so much. But I do. It's amazing. Besides the fact that I cried today and that I couldn't see TJ, this morning started off really well. I did some early morning shopping with my mom and bought some new shirts, which I was happy about. I also had a few more pluses to my day, but i'd rather keep them to myself. Other than this little rollercoaster ride of a day, my weekend was fairly boring. Thursday I went into my old school to give a talk with Ellen about confirmation. I needed service hours, so I figured why not? It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. 3 more service hours are in need which should be taken care of this Wednesday when I work the Fish Fry down at my old school. Tomorrow I'm going to make an attempt to not get annoyed by my dad and possibly talk to him when we go out to eat tomorrow. The chances of that happening are slim... but I need to try. I have a lot of homework. I should of started it today while I was moping around like a big baby. I hate myself a lot of the time. Yeah, I know, thats not a good thing. You don't have to tell me.. I already know.
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| I need to update this thing more |
[Tuesday
February 21st, 2006] |
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mood |
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 awake |
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music |
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Dashboard Confessional: As lovers go |
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This weekend went SO much better than I would have ever expected. Saturday morning I lounged around the house for a while and surprisingly got a call from TJ! I didn't think I would be seeing him this weekend since he was busy with Wrestling and we had confirmation class. But all went well and I spent more time with him then I have in a very long time. We were together from 2-930. We went to the movies and out to dinner then came back to my house to just cuddle and be together :) Our 6 month is coming up soon and I can't believe it. I'm currently in the process of making him a little something... a mixtape of songs along with a few other things. Besides all of that news, Sunday Ellen came over so we could start/finish our confirmation projects and what not. We had to go to confirmation that night, which I was expecting to be so much worse than it actually was. I guess sometimes I blow things out of proportion. Oh well. It's life. Three day week this week.. thankfully. Im sure ill be updating soon... i hope
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| Happy Valentine's Day! |
[Tuesday
February 14th, 2006] |
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loved |
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Third Eye Blind: Semi Charmed Life |
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Overall this weekend went really well. I slept over at Ellen's house, had a blast, and the next day got to spend time with TJ! There were more people sleeping over at ellen's house then I had expected. But I knew them all, so it made it 10 times more fun. All of the people that were there went to GHS.. so they were people I didn't get to hang out with too much. We all pretty much stayed up till maybe 430 and I hung around Ellen's house with Chelsea until around 4pm. That night I went to the movies with TJ. We saw "When a stranger calls." and then went back to my house for about an hour. There's something different about Tj.. the way he acts. I cant put my finger on exactly what it is.. but all I know is that I love it.
Happy Valentine's Day everyone!
I love that boy ♥
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| mood swings |
[Saturday
February 11th, 2006] |
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mood |
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indescribable |
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music |
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Armor For Sleep: The Truth About Heaven |
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I have absolutely nothing better to do right now, so I figured "why not update my livejournal." Ok, so I COULD be writing the paper I need to get done for tomorrow, right now... but I'll just do that later. My day didn't start off the greatest today. I don't know if it was me.. or if the day REALLY didn't go good. I think i have the ability to make myself however I want to feel; sometimes. Today I woke up extremely crabby and stayed that way until just a little while ago. Sometimes I feel like I'm bipolar. One second I can be all happy-go-lucky, then two seconds later I could be ready to rip someones head off. I really hate it. Anyways, onto better news, tonight Im sleeping over at Ellen's house with Chelsea. It should be a lot of fun. Tomorrow we plan on going to see "Rent" at the budget which im excited about. Unfortunately, I have confirmation class tomorrow... but Ill have something to look forward to; Because tomorrow I get to see Tj. We're going to see "When a stranger calls" Im really excited to see him. And I'm really excited that this year... I'll actually have a valentine. I know its not that big of a deal, but I like the idea of it. Today I went to a home improvement show with my parents. Boring. Very boring. I made it through that... annoyed. Oh well Im just looking forward to tonight/tomorrow. I think im going to go watch "Elizabethtown" I hope it's good.
I love him ♥
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| reunited |
[Monday
February 6th, 2006] |
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Living things: Bom Bom Bom |
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I finally hung out with all my friends like I've been wanting to do for the longest time now. I hadn't seen Danny since about October, and we hadn't all got together since then. On Saturday Ellen, Me, Danny, Justin, Josh and Isaac all went to OLQP's open house. It was fun to see all our old teachers and catch up with them for a while. We all ended up back by Justin's house and hung out in his garage. Some times it makes me feel like I'm on "That 70's Show." It was really nice to catch up with all of them again. To amuse ourselves we watched Danny light spray paint on fire and watch Justin Skate/Bike. The night went by fast but at least it was fun. There were a few... ok a lot, of "ify" moments for me though. Josh was being a total asshole. He's usually ok, I can tolerate him; but Saturday he was just a complete ass. I've never heard "Fuck you, whore" come out of some one's mouth so many times in one day... ESPECIALLY directed towards ME! Of course me and my friends joke around and call eachother whores, sluts..(back and forth.. the list goes on) But he was being totally serious. I don't know what got into him but I know i didn't like it... and I know TJ didn't like it. Once I told him he was ready to kick some ass. So he offically doesn't like Josh. Other than all of that my weekend was pretty boring. Friday night I cried for Five hours straight. Yeah, I'm a girl.. what do you expect. I'm not even gonna go into why I was crying. I just was. I could of cried again when I found I had to go to my cousins house on Sunday... but it wasn't too bad. We stayed an hour or so and I gave her her birthday gift then headed home. Sadly enough (for me anyways) I didn't get to see TJ. I miss that boy like crazy. He's been extra sweet to me lately and I absolutely love it. Im a sucker for the sweet stuff; which isn't always necessisarily a good thing... but I sure cant resist a sweetie haha.
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| Love <3 |
[Tuesday
January 31st, 2006] |
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loved |
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Natalie Imbruglia: Torn |
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I really can't believe it's been five months between me and TJ already. It went by so quick! Yet I feel like I've been with him forever. I love that boy. I was so happy that I got to see him on Saturday. I spent the night cuddling with him and watching movies. It was amazing. Today I got a message from him and it completely made my day. It was the sweetest thing he's ever said to me and it made me love him even more. I can't wait until I get to see him again this weekend. But besides all of that, My weekend went fairly well. I did some shopping and spent some time relaxing. Monday Ellen came over. We watched Dane cook since I bought his old DVD "Harmful if swallowed" We laughed hysterically. After the DVD we laughed the rest of the night away until she got picked up. Other than that my life has been pretty boring. Same ol' same ol'. School, home, here, homework, phone, bed. Repeat until Friday night.
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| :( |
[Tuesday
January 24th, 2006] |
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Blink 182: I miss you |
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Exams are finally over. I know I'm a little late on my entry, but I have found I've been to lazy to actually write something in here. Exams were over and done for me on Thursday. And to my surprise I passed them all with flying colors. I didn't study for them as much as I should have and I surprisingly got A's on all of them except Geometry. After my first exam Thursday I was able to leave because the next class would have been a study hall. So I walked to panaera by myself and treated myself to a Iced coffee. It made me feel really grown up, sitting there by myself in the downtown area just thinking and enjoying my time being alone in some place new to me. After my dad had picked me up, I went to the mall with Ellen for a while and ended up back at her house until before she had to leave for Iowa. Friday morning I spent some time with my cousin. It wasn't all that bad. Saturday I must of blacked out or something because I honestly don't remember a thing besides fixing my MP3 player and going to Church. Sunday morning my parents and I went to breakfast and then picked up ellen on our way home. We spent the day together at my house, then went to Confirmation class and parted ways after it was over. Yesterday was compeltely awful. Tj called me crying, which killed me. His grandpa died. It absolutely KILLED me to hear him like that, and to know that he was hurting. I want nothing more than to be with him and hold him right now. This happening made me see a totally different side of him that I hadn't seen before. It taught me a lot about him... and about myself. I feel that I should be as compassionate towards my family... no matter how hard it is for me to do so. Because once they're gone, they're not coming back. TJ is SO caring... he's incredible. I wish I could be half as caring and close to some of my family like he is towards his own.. I love that boy. With all my heart. ♥ I want to take his pain away.
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| One more |
[Wednesday
January 18th, 2006] |
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 sick |
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Armor For Sleep: A quick little flight |
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one more day of exams and I'm done. History should be a breeze right? But then again that's what i thought about all of them.
I thought wrong.
Damn.
Why couldn't my last exam have been today.
I truely hate exams.
with a passion.
Passion with a CAPITOL "P"
Maybe even a capitol A-S-S-I-O-N!
PASSION
I'm sick.
And stressed.
The stress got me sick.
I don't wanna study any more.
But I must.
I gotta.
Here goes nothin'
(probably really nothin')
Seriously.
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| Purely Amazing. |
[Monday
January 16th, 2006] |
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mood |
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music |
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American Eyes: Radio |
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With the weekend behind me, and something to actually say, I felt I should update. I'm glad my 3 day weekend was actually eventful. Friday night I pretty much stayed on the phone with TJ for a good portion of that time. Saturday rolled around and that's when things started picking up. I went to do a little bit of shopping with my mom since I had some money to spend. I ended up picking up a cute purse. I thought for a while of taking it back since it's so big (don't get me wrong i adore big purses, but this one is so big I don't know if I'd actually use it.) Later one I figured I could use it as my bag for sleepovers and what not and once in a while use it as a purse, so I just kept it. It was too cute to return anyways. At around 530, I went over to Ellen's house and from there we went to her house school for a "Salute to the Arts" performance. It was pretty fun. I got to meet her friend Chelsea who is absolutely hilarious, and I also go to catch up with people I know from GHS, that I hadn't seen in a while. After having many laughs on the car ride home, Ellen and I sat down and watched some movies and talked till about 4 am. I must say we had many interesting moments and many interesting conversations that night. I realized a lot of things I never really did. Sunday morning Ellen, Allyson and I went to George Webbs for some breakfast and then went back to their house and talked in Ellen's room until I got picked up. Sunday night TJ came over! :) I was SOO happy to see him. Of course every time that I see him I absolutely cherish forever... but yesterday was probably the most amazing night Ive ever spent with him ever. And just like every night, I never want to let him go. That All brings me to today. I went out to lunch with my parents and drove around a bit, stopping at a few places to pick up some things with my mom before I had to sit my ass down and study for tomorrows exams. Ugh. I am SO dreading this week. I'll be much happier when it's all over.
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| No use |
[Sunday
January 8th, 2006] |
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Missy Higgins: Ten days |
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There's absolutly no reason why I should be updating this week since I didn't do one thing worth talking about. I spent my week going to school and catching up on all the homework I need to hand in before exams start. That's one thing I'm definately not ready for; exams. It's only a week of complete stress for me. I feel like I slacked off a lot this quarter and I'm praying that my grades are still up there. Lately I've been trying to push myself to be more mature and just commit to things. I feel that I'm being immature by not doing things that I would have to set my mind to. I mean if I can make myself do something, why can't I make myself NOT do something. I don't see how it's that hard, but apparently it is. I find it frustrating how we have complete control over our minds, but yet it seems more like our minds have control over us. Meh oh well, I'm going to start trying not coming on here so much. I spend too much time on the internet and I find myself the same things over and over. i would say its a little obsessive and I hate it. It's time for it to stop.
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[Tuesday
January 3rd, 2006] |
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drained |
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music |
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The Veronicas: 4ever |
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Lately I've found Ive become more frustrated along with more indecisive with things. I'm unsure of what I really want to do with my life. High school is ending quickly even though I tell my self that every day goes by incredibly slow. As I look back, I realize just how fast it's been going. Ive become frustrated with deciding what I really want to do. I dont want to wake up every morning and dread going to work. I want to at least enjoy my job if i'm going to have to do it for a good period of my life. Ive noticed Ive become a lot more frustrated with people too. A lot of them have been getting on my last nerve. Yeah I have fun with them from time to time, but there's never someone there that I can talk to or act like, like i can around Ellen. Like Ive said before, I honestly do not know what I would do without ellen in my life and I truely mean it . She's my best friend and always will be. She relates to me like no one else ever can or ever could. We understand eachother more than anyone else I believe can. I feel incredibly lucky to have someone as amazing as my best friend in my life. I shouldnt complain of not finding someone else I can relate to in school and shit.. because I at least have her. It just makes it that much harder that I dont have her with me more then just when we hang out. It's nice to know I have her there when ever I need her though.. even if it is just listening to a message she had left me on my cell. Although i realize school is ending fast.. I wish that I could have my mind set to something I want to do with my life and some how get out of high school even faster. But what are the chances of that happening?
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| Happy Belated New Year. |
[Monday
January 2nd, 2006] |
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Plain White T's: Sad Story |
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I do really know where to start, but all I can say is that I'm sad this break is coming to an end. Wednesday night I hung out with Ellen again. Gotta love that girl. We danced for hours in her kitchen and of course talked and talked and.. talked. I dont know where I would be without her. I got dropped off home around 12 and woke up to a usual morning. Later that night, My whole family (brothers' girlfriends' included) and Ellen went out for dinner. It was actually more fun then I had expected. Ellen came over for a while afterwards. I got to see Ellen again the next day for New Years Eve. We had a party at her house and called people with her family, leaving them messages of us all screaming happy new year. It was a blast. what could be better then bringing in the new year with your best friend and second family. Sadly Ellen had come down with something, so I left her house around 1030 even though my mom told me I had to leave early anyways. I was excited cuz I got to see Tj that day (Yesterday) We went to go see Fun with Dick and Jane. VERY funny movie. Afterwards we walked to starbucks and came back to my house to spend some time alone together. All in all this break has been absolutely amazing. I didnt get to see TJ as much as I would have liked to, but I still loved ever minute of it all. Im sad to see it end
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| What a weekend |
[Wednesday
December 28th, 2005] |
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mood |
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calm |
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music |
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Cartel: Runaway |
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Honestly, this is probably one of the craziest weekends I've experienced. Christmas Eve, my mom set up this big dinner,my brothers' girlfriends came over and we all opened presents. That was more fun then I expected. Usually family things suck around here. Christmas morning didn't start off the greatest but the day ended up being AMAZING. My dad, my brother and I went to my Aunts house for a while [on my dad's side of the family] Eh, that part could have been better. It wasn't all too bad, except for obnoxious people. After a few hours there, my brother and I and Zorana went over to my other aunts house [on my moms side] My mom was already there and was just waiting for us. That's when the day started to pick up and I had the most fun. I've become a lot more talkative around my aunts house for some odd reason. I never really was. Anyways.. I had gotten one of the best Christmas presents from my cousin. My cousin Liz makes everything herself [Total hippie] and I've noticed the necklaces she makes and Ive been dying to have one for over a year. I told her that I liked her necklace and the next thing I know, she comes over to me with hand fulls of glass blown pendants I can choose from. Normally she tours and sells them at art shows for 65$ but she let me have one for free. Although I got a bunch of other really nice gifts, to me that was by far the best. Monday, I went over by Ellen's house and ended up having a sleep over with Callie. It had its fun moments; an "for old times sake" kinda thing. We tried making some funny videos like we used to, but I think we lost our touch that night. We ended up watching the "skeleton key" [good movie] and stayed up as late as we could [which ended up being around 3ish] The next morning we had quite an adventure at Burger King. At least we got some laughs out of that moment. My brother and Zorana picked me up at 12 and off we were down to Chicago. On the way there, TJ called me. I was so happy to hear from him. Afterall I do ♥ that boy. So anyways, I talked to him for quite a while and we finally got down to the Planitarium. It wasn't the greatest but still pretty fun dispite the massive headache. After the Planitarium we went shopping on Michigan Ave. I wish I would of had more money. I would have bought so much more. My brother ended up buying me a shirt I wanted. After the whole trip I realized over the years how much closer Ive become to both of them. I really cherish it. Alright so I got home at midnight and was completely dead. Out like a light when my head touched the pillow. It was a great ending to a great weekend. ♥
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with_thesewings's journal